Country-Fried Wisdom

Aren't you lucky, gentle readers? I've making a second blog post in the same night. This one has been rolling around in my wacky head all day.

How many of you grew up with parents, grandparents, or other relatives who uttered odd, almost nonsensical sayings that seem to only exist in the South? I've told someone that I would see them tomorrow, and they replied "Lord willing and the creek don't rise." Well, hopefully the Lord is willing and the creek doesn't rise, or it could be a mighty mess. My mom had a whole slew of them. "Why, I won't put up with that until the water gets hot" was a signal to us that we had better stop whatever it was we were doing, because it doesn't take water long to get hot. Hopefully that didn't mean she would throw it on us if we didn't stop. And if she was warning us about getting in big trouble, she would tell us that if we didn't stop whatever it was we were doing, it would be "too wet to plow." My reasoning was: why don't you just do the plowing tomorrow? Or another day when it's nice and sunny? And my personal favorite was, "Well, that did you about as much good as a fart in a whirlwind." I didn't say that country sayings were always elegant, did I?

Now, any Southern child knows that logic and country sayings like this can never coexist, and that you had to pick wise moments to question their meaning. If you questioned the saying at the wrong time, it was indeed too wet to plow. It was best to try and understand their meaning and hope you were doing the right thing.

My dear friend Mary (Cristy's mom) had a whole slew of them as well, but my favorite phrase to end all phrases is, "I'm happier than a dead hog in the sunshine." Inevitably, the follow-up comment to that phrase is "And it just doesn't get any happier than that." I have used that phrase at work and the person on the receiving end always gives the same quizzical -- but amused -- look, and they never ask me to explain it. Which is a good thing, because I really couldn't. Another good thing is that this phrase is absolutely guaranteed to bring a conversation to a stop.

Is it cold outside? Yes, it's colder than a "witch's teat in a brass brassiere." Now, that's cold.

Are you busy? Yes, you're busier than "a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest" or a "one-armed paper hanger."

Are you sweating a lot? Yes, you're sweating "more than a hooker in church."

Sometimes, the phrases are not only bizarre, but they wouldn't pass muster as being politically correct in today's parlance. For instance, my grandmother would avoid eating too much cheese or she would be "constipated as a Jew." I never understood that phrase and really didn't try to wrap my mind around it too much. Instead, I just wrote it off as part of Mamaw's eccentricity. I guess it's the old prejudice about Jewish people being tight with money or something like that, but I've known plenty of tight Baptists. In fact, they were so tight they could "squeeze a nickel until the buffalo pooped" or they could "squeeze a penny until Lincoln screamed."

And don't you just love the name Mamaw? She was Mamaw to everyone, including the kids at church. She was truly something. I'll devote a blog post to her later. Cristy also had a Mamaw, and I loved her too. Mamaws are usually on the feisty side. They can snap out a wisecrack just as easily as they can snap peas in a pan. But I'm digressing a bit here.

I think we have these phrases because of the southern love of language. In the South, talking is an art form. Anyone can say that a person is handsome or pretty, but in the South, you're as "pretty as a dewdrop on a morning glory." Actually, I just made that up, but surely you get my point.

What kind of country phrases did you hear growing up? Please, discuss amongst yourselves.