Based on my own choice (or choices), I am single again at the age of 38. I ended an eight and a half year relationship that seemed to all outsiders to be completely fulfilling and happy. Many people have been hurt, and many people are still in shock about what has happened. I think I'm still somewhat in shock myself, but the decision has been made and it's time to start soldiering onward. I am technically single, yet I'm not looking for any kind of romantic attachments just yet. I can't even say that I'm even in the mood for a raunchy one-night-stand. It's far too soon.
I do know that I want another long-term relationship, and I want to put a lot of work and effort into finding just the right guy because I do not want to go through all of this pain again if I can possibly avoid it. If I could wave a magic wand (no puns, please) and have things go Scott's way, this relationship would be my last one, and it would be for life.
I am committed to this lease until the end of September, so until then, Jeff, Leah, and I are living in odd quarters. Hopefully this situation will improve over time. Leah and I have no issues; Jeff and I have our occasionally tense moments. When the lease is up, chances are that I will move back to the Dallas/Fort Worth area proper. The mid-cities or Fort Worth is a more likely prospect than Dallas, but who knows what will happen between now and September? I still have a good paying job at RadioShack and I have a lot of debt to pay off. Kind of hard to find a boyfriend when you're financially strapped, so I probably won't really be looking for one for some time.
Life will be lonely at times, being single, but I have to go through the process because I have to be absolutely comfortable with who I am. I probably do have some self-esteem issues; most of us do. Maybe I should talk to a therapist at some point so I can refocus myself. My last session with a therapist worked wonders for me. I may look into that after the beginning of the year. My insurance does cover it. I think I can get 36 visits in a year, or something like that. There is also still a lot of reflecting to be done, and I want to make other changes too. When I get over this icky cold, I want to get back on an exercise routine. I also want to make more time for friends and family I have let hang on the periphery of my life far too long.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
The loneliness was always something that got me. Specially living in a new city where I didn't know anyone. Being single sucked. But it did make me spend time with myself, getting to know me. And it helped me be not so lonely in a crowd, if you know what I mean.
It's good to have a sounding board, whether it's a therapist, a journal or a friend. Please know that if you need a friend I am always here for you, day or night.
And enjoy the journey. Good, bad, or otherwise, it will help shape you into the person that is you.
Love you,
C
I can only imagine how lonely it was to be in a strange city where you didn't know anyone. I do know what you mean about not being lonely in a crowd. When you are single and you're not at ease with yourself, it's hard to make yourself get out and go to dinner or go to a movie by yourself. The movie thing I could do, but going out to eat by myself generally resulted in eating takeout, which wasn't always the healthiest option. Cooking for one was a big adjustment, but I figured it out and could make it work.
The biggest trick for me is that while I've spent a lot of time in isolation over the last several months because of school, that's not the same as being totally alone. If I wanted company, I could just go into the other room. Obviously, come September, this will be a different scenario. I got a slight taste of it this weekend. Jeff went to his mom's for Christmas and Leah ended up at an extended office getaway at the Gaylord (must be nice), so I was alone for the first time in a while.
I remember being completely lost after Steven broke up with me, but I needed to go down that road and face those fears. And I know I need to do the same thing again, but this time (hopefully) I'm a bit wiser and can look forward to my discovery.
I do know that I can count on you, and that's why I cherish you so much as a friend. Please know that you can count on me too.
Love you,
Scott
Post a Comment