Reflections on Self-Revelations

Watching the video of Meredith Baxter coming out to Matt Lauer on the Today show made me think back to when I discovered I was gay. Really gay.

I was about 22, I think, and while I had been around sexually for a short time, I couldn't just admit to myself that I was gay. Part of it was shyness and part of it was a conflict with my upbringing. I grew up in the Southern Baptist church and had always been taught that homosexuality was just wrong and one of the most abominable of sins, so I really had a difficult time reconciling what I had grown up with and the dilemma I faced at that time. For anyone who is gay and who has come out, this isn't anything new. And even though I hadn't gone to church in a short while, I still felt strong ties to church, particularly when it came to the big stuff. But I finally had a true heart-to-heart with myself and did some soul searching. Ultimately, I came to believe (and still do) that God would want me to find love and happiness during my lifetime, and that romantic love and happiness would most likely be found with another man.

Speaking of church.... Eventually, my mom outed me to her entire church, and I felt comfortable attending a wedding recently with my sweet Robert. Everyone knew who he was, and he was treated well and made to feel welcome. We even held hands in the back pew!

I had been on dates with women, and while they were generally pleasant, they were awkward and uncomfortable in many respects. I never got beyond a good night kiss. But when I first went out with a guy, everything snapped into focus. I knew that this was how it was supposed to be. It felt truly right for the first time. After that point, I only went out with guys. A gay co-worker took me to my first gay club, and I made out with a gorgeous guy directly under a spotlight.

Cristy was the first friend I told. She knew, but waited patiently for me to tell her, and she was very happy for me. I had met my first boyfriend (we dated for an amazing two weeks during my senior year of college) and I include him on my dating resume because he was a really cute guy and he was the first guy who told me he loved me. And shortly after graduating, I met my first partner, and we were together for almost seven years.

I can't speak for Meredith Baxter, but I'm sure she feels like an extraordinary weight has been lifted. She made a late discovery about her homosexuality, but as individuals, we're all on different wavelengths and timetables, and late discoveries are not uncommon. The main thing is that she did come to terms with that aspect of herself. I'm glad that she has come out and I'm glad to see that she seems extremely happy.